Sarah, Kevin and Stapler-Induced Concussions

I may not have acquired a tremendous amount of career-advancing knowledge during my employ (so far) with XXX, so I may as well add these two facts to my "useless, but true...at least at XXX" list:

1. Sarah hates Kevin.

2. Kevin hates Sarah.

The two of them get along about as well as bleach and ammonia. In the event you are unaware (or haven't yet made the mistake), if you mix bleach and ammonia, you will either 1) evacuate the premises or 2) pass out cold. I've heard that you can sustain severe brain damage if you inhale too much chloramine gas, but regardless, BOTH alternatives are preferable to spending more than five minutes with the two of them.

Sarah, to some effect, is "Little Miss Can't be Wrong." I'm not educated enough about the energy markets to attempt to have any sort of meaningful discussion with her, but from what I've observed, if you are bearish energy, you are wrong. Period. The process is similar to telling a kid that Santa Claus isn't real. First, there's the denial. "You're wrong! He's real." If pushed for an explanation as to why, denial is followed by reasoning (typically pointing at some sort of data supporting her position): "Of COURSE he's REAL! Otherwise people wouldn't have written all of those SONGS about him. Why else would people leave cookies out on Christmas Eve?" If she is proven to be wrong, she will acknowledge this, but then blame it on people's failure to recognize the OBVIOUS truth: "Fine, maybe Santa Claus isn't 'real' so to speak, but there are tons of fat men dressed like him which is pretty much the same exact thing. Just ask all of the kids." I won't criticize her behavior; at least she doesn't waver, but I can also understand how frustrating it must be to try to reason with an unreasonable person.

This is probably why Kevin doesn't bother. He has taken a more unprofessional approach, taking as many digs (both relevant and irrelevant) at her as possible. This hostile relationship materialized weeks into her employ with XXX. Again, I believe that her addition to the energy team was a tough one for the boys' club to swallow as she is an intimidating, outspoken alpha woman. I think Kevin and Rich were used to mulling ideas over and agreeing 9 times out of 10, and Sean threw a large wrench--a wrench with boobs, nonetheless!--into their dynamic. I'm sure his original intent was to add new/different ideas into the mix. Sarah is very bright and has many useful contacts, but from a spectator's perspective, this experiment appears to be backfiring. She won't agree to disagree, Kevin won't agree to treat her with respect and Rich has essentially thrown in the towel and avoids confrontation with her directly at all costs.

The traders at XXX meet on a weekly basis to discuss trading ideas, risk metrics, etc. and at one of the first congregations of said meeting, Sarah warned Kevin to back off or to face the wrath of a heavy stapler. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that* as, to this day, I still don't know what Kevin said to have sparked such an inflammatory response. Their mutual dislike has caused a great deal of frustration determining a position, and today a meeting was held on the desk to discuss everyone's sentiment regarding the energy sector. Sarah began her speech, and someone picked up a ball which sparked a game of catch amongst those listening. She made mention that it was somewhat annoying and/or distracting, and I watched annoyed as well. I may not have many important things to say, but if you ask me for my opinion, you'd best be listening. There was a misthrow (probably Greg's fault; he's practically sweating Crisco at this point) that came in my direction, and I confiscated the ball so that Sarah could finish delivering her part in peace.

I thought this would be the end of it.

The group dispersed and went back to their various terminals. Once the trading day came to a close, Greg and Kevin engaged in another game of catch. This is not uncommon around our office: We're preparing ourselves for a career in the minors in the event this whole hedge fund thing doesn't pan out. Back and forth they went. Kevin got up, walked over to Sarah's area, and motioned the whole "I'm ready to catch" thing. Greg wound up, launched it, and the instant the ball left Greg's hands, Kevin walked away from the scene as if he had never been involved with the clear intent of hitting Sarah with the ball "accidentally." By the will of God alone, it didn't hit herand this is a good thing as I'm 99% sure she could (and might) kick the shit out of Kevin. It hit the wall, she gave the stone stare (please refer to Medusa entry back in July) and thankfully, that was the end of it.

Something has got to give. I'm thinking 2 egos, one ring and unlimited blunt-force trauma inducing office supplies: Trader Cage Match. Someone call HBO, and may the best (wo)man win.

At least tomorrow is Tuesday.


* A fly well out of the way of her stapler.