Cast of Characters

"It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet show tonight."

(After careful thought--and a recommendation--I've decided to provide a brief cast of characters.)

TRADING DESK:
Sean: Managing partner. Sean calls all of the shots, and isn't afraid to throw his weight around (the rest of us are terrified as we're talking about a LOT of weight here). He's generally pessimistic about everything, but seems knowledgable about what he's talking about. His jokes are often cutting as much as they are funny. The entire firm's employment literally depends on his ability to remain alive. I should mention that he adheres to 4 basic food groups: Bacon, Popcorn, Chips and Scotch (a fifth, if you count cigars).

Paul: Metals trader, also runs a discretionary commodities fund. Paul takes a lot of abuse on the desk, and this seems to be for 2 reasons: 1) He is genuinely interested (read: obsessed) in his work and 2) as a result, he can be somewhat robotic, paranoid, annoying and any combination of all three. I work primarily for Paul, and hold him in high regard. He is grateful for all work completed, and lets me know. He occasionally drives me crazy due to numerous trade ticket errors (wrong prices, wrong quantities, wrong month, wrong commodity), and definitely contributes the greatest amount of $$$ to the fine box on any given day (traders are fined for making errors on their tickets as these errors often result in trade breaks, confusion and mass hysteria--fine, maybe not mass hysteria, but it's a big pain in the ass).

Frankie: Primarily a softs trader. He bears a striking resemblance to Squiggy (http://www.davidlander.com/images/lander_pics/med_res/squiggy_bw_med_res.jpg) from "Laverne and Shirley," and almost has a father/son sort of relationship with Sean (although they are similar in age and he helped start this whole operation). He's all bark, no bite, and his temper is shorter than he is. It's fair to say that he has a bit of a Napoleon complex, despite the fact that Sean has him pinned under his thumb. He has a strange habit of whispering to some brokers with his hand covering his mouth; Rich refers to this as "moomoo talking." He can be condescending from time to time, but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it's unintentional. He's a lot of fun to go out with, and loves to dance.

Rich: Energy trader, dabbling in the livestock market. Like Frankie, he also helped set this operation up. Rich's primary function is to perturb Frankie, and he has perfected it into a science. He has been known to IM Greg messages to laugh in order to pique F's curiosity. Whenever F asks to be let in on the joke, Rich will always respond, "It's nothing." He seems to have assumed a secondary role of office mentor, and will always take time out of his day to teach you anything you would like to know about the markets. He never speaks down to anyone, and his attitude and desire to maintain a pleasant work environment makes him one of my favorites. An avid baseball player in college, Rich recently blew out his knee in an office softball throw-off. No, I am not kidding. He was also the recipient of vibrating nipple-clamps at our last holiday party. Again, I am not kidding.

Kevin: Energy guy...he occasionally trades, but his true role seems to be researching the energy markets. He's the office hippy, and frequently walks around barefoot. He somewhat keeps to himself, and is relatively quiet unless provoked by Rich (who sits next to him). He once sent an email from Katie's computer claiming that Greg was sexually harrassing her which nearly resulted in Greg's dismissal from the firm. I won't even tell you what Kevin got at the holiday party.

Sarah: Energy trader. Sarah's overly enthusiastic (and, it's been noted, overly bullish) about the energy market. Her addition to the firm was a controversial one, and I suspect that this is because she is the first female trader that most of the men have worked with. Her physical presence is somewhat intimidating, and she's certainly not shy about speaking her mind. For this, she has earned my respect. She manages her own account, and it's my suspicion that there are several people who would like to see her go down in flames. She is socially awkward, and accidentally abusive to her trading assistant as she can't seem to discern where the joke ends and the hurt feelings begin. She calls her new trading assistant a pretty boy, and has repeatedly encouraged him to get out of the business and join a boy band.

David: Sarah's bitch. There's currently an over/under on him leaving by December 1. Please let me know if you would like to place a bet. I'm not sure if he will become the 99th degree, or a Backstreet Boy, but as a recent MBA grad, I can't foresee him tolerating this abuse for much longer. Substantially younger and exponentially more attractive than Sarah, we refer to him as her poolboy.

Jeffrey: Sarah's previous bitch. Jeffrey was very, very passive. Frankie once hit him in the head with the freezer door, and the man didn't even blink. Quiet and vulnerable, one day Jeffrey opened up his eyes, quit and ran like hell. I only include him here as we still like to pretend he's there from time to time--especially when large packages are delivered for Sarah. "Rich, poke some holes in there so Jeffrey doesn't suffocate!!!"

Greg: I don't exactly know what to call him. He refers to himself as the "risk manager," but I find this to be a bit of an overstatement. As far as I know, Greg 1) has no background in risk management 2) does not have the ability to instruct traders to scale back on their risk and 3) was doing the job that I'm currently doing prior to this promotion of sorts. Don't get me wrong--he is very talented with Excel and MatLab programming, but he is NOT a risk manager. The desk is grooming him to become a trader, and he's currently trading cotton. He is very patient with Katie and I, and does his best to keep us in the loop and teach us a thing or two. He was recently married, and, as mentioned in the previous post, his "fat" is traded in the office. The guys got special trading jackets (a few actually wore them to the ceremony), name-tags and trading cards for this particular activity, and there is a rumor that a small trading pit will be included in the renovations to the office. This pit will later be converted into a sand trap for putting practice.

Dennis: Softs trader. He manages his own account, works in NYC most of the time, and looks frighteningly like a mannequin. He provides us with lots of coffee research. I can count my interactions with him on one hand, but he seems decent enough.

Katie: Trading Assistant (she and I do the same thing). Katie embodies several positive qualities: she's attractive, does her job well (for the most part) and...I'll have to think harder about this and get back to you later. She epitomizes the phrase "spoiled brat," and the way she talks about and treats others (business associates included) makes me cringe. Regardless, I maintain a positive relationship with her and have been successful in restraining myself from hopping the desk and giving her something to scoff, rant and rave about. I should be more tolerant of her, but that would require a degree of maturity that I don't possess. She has the tendency of getting overly intoxicated at company outings, and her behavior has prompted Sean to refer to her town as being home to white trash. She has a long-term boyfriend that she shamelessly fights with both on the desk and at any outings he has been invited to. Most of us find this particularly entertaining.

THE REST OF THE CREW:
Eric (CFO) and Michael (COO): These two seem to be the glue that holds this whole operation together. Both are professional and dedicated to doing their jobs well. Michael's attendance is the butt of many jokes as he is frequently out of the office. Still, I would feel comfortable addressing any personal issues with him as he is committed to ensuring that we are all one big, happy family. His introduction of the employee manual was subject to ridicule, and this was after months and months of drafting/editing to fit into Sean's standard (his standard being, "I don't want any rules."). Despite the chiding, he is well-respected. Eric is very serious about his job, but when he gets giggling (he really giggles) he can't stop and neither can the rest of us--it's infectious. He's all business, and (rightfully) expects everyone else to treat their positions with the same degree of professionalism as he does.

Dan (Controller): Dan may be the controller, but his control over alcohol consumption seems to be minimal. He works hard, and plays hard. He has the tendency of being "that guy" whenever we go out, and his attendance to outings is always one that is worried about. He's a rabid soccer fan (and ex-college player), and I think most of his questionable behavior (ex. tackling Katie to the floor in an attempt to get wiffle balls back) can be chalked up to a sports-team mentality. He's the kind of guy who would smack you in the ass in a, "Nice job," kind of way, completely oblivious to the potential repercussions. He reminds me of friends I had growing up, and therefore, I cut him some slack.

Jessica: (Asst. Controller): Jessica is probably the newest employee, and is obsessive-compulsive about having every single number exactly correct. She has been an valuable addition, and has alleviated Dan's workload (making him a much more pleasant person to deal with). She's consistently bright, cheery and a lot of fun. She's in the process of planning her wedding, and has basically reached the point where she just wants to be married already. She she has not lived her life to plan her wedding day, and isn't a "girly-girl" for whatever that's worth. She may still be engaged 3 years from now, but she will still be happy.

Bill/Ted: Bill and Ted work in their own little office, and I'm pretty sure they spend a majority of their time doing research. They previously worked together at a fund of funds, and joined this firm in the hope of pursuing excellent adventures. Ted seems to come in on a "if I feel like it" basis, and, as far as I know, is not on the payroll. As for Bill, he is there full-time and seems particularly helpful regarding equities. Bonus? His son works in a chocolate shop, and he brings us goodies. Both gentlemen are friendly...but veeeery mysterious.

Beth (Office Assistant): Beth is definitely the Office Mom. She is loved by all, intolerant of excessively bad behavior, and keeps her personal life miles away from the office. She was the first (brave) woman to work with all of the guys, and appears to have made it clear that she will not tolerate their shit. A recent divorcee, she is quite attractive for her age and is dating a guy 15 years her junior (she was teased at work for this, and has since quit sharing information like that). She advocates for the females, and is always up for some gossip. She performs an array of duties for Sean, and it's my opinion that he'd be completely screwed without her. I probably should have mentioned her first (yes, she does THAT much), but I'll just say I was saving the best for last. We love her.

Hope this is helpful...